An almost abandoned blog on another site. Yes, that’s where I landed up today. I say “almost” because I remember I have this blog which I visit, once in a blue moon, to read through my thoughts and experiences over the past years.
Life; my life, has taken an undulating, circuitous route in the past two decades and it’s interesting to go back to these pages and read some of my feelings at a point in time in my life. Or laugh at some amusing anecdotes. Sniffle as a memory evokes emotions and longings for a moment of joy, the togetherness not found in the present.
And today, I clicked on a draft which turned out to be a draft about a draft… uncompleted posts that found no closure. Perhaps the pain was too hard to bear. Maybe, I was too tired to write about it beyond letting out some of it; enough to get back up and get along with my life.
So, without bothering to complete it, I’m giving it closure by posting it here. It is complete as it is and needs nothing more added.
The initial post, I wrote in 2013 before I set out to a land and culture totally unknown. It was the first time I was moving without the material belongings that had made a house a home for us. Some things were invaluable for me in their sentimental worth. I was leaving them behind, in safe-keeping with someone, but it tore me inside; I might never retrieve them again!
Five years down the road, that fear is a reality. I don’t know where these precious memories, stored in albums and loose photographs are!
So reading that unfinished article convinced me that I had to put it up and out where it was meant to be… and in doing so let it go. I have to let it go so I can think about it without the gnawing pain and regret. Just a memory; no regret, no anger, no bitterness, no wrenching pain. Just the joy of having had such a great experience. I’ve lived, loved, learned, grown and enjoyed the journey. Let that be all that remains in my life. So here goes…
I have no plausible reasons why I have written nothing here for so long. There are reasons, but they sound so lame, almost like a shirker’s justifications for not doing what she has to do! I wasn’t disciplined and gave in to momentary lows and highs that kept me yo-yoing from Cloud 9 into an abyss, leaving me exhausted.
Today, I firmly decided to visit…which is what I’m doing here…and since I was here I thought I’d run through the post list. I found many drafts half-written, or not written at all with just a header indicating what I had wanted to write about but never got down to doing it. I’ve cleared out most of them but decided to keep this. It records my feelings of the moment, at a time of a big change in my life. A change I had opened myself to decisively, but not very confidently. My mind was set, but my heart fluttered
The countdown is on. I have barely two days in this house. On the 28th, I hand it over to its owner. Is all my work done? Is everything packed or suitably disposed of? Well, till yesterday morning I thought it was a glum situation. There were a few things that had no takers. But this afternoon saw quite a few things going out. So, to answer the question, almost all are either packed or suitably disposed of.
When we move to another place within the country, it’s all about Packers & Movers getting the job done. It’s all about cartons and trucks. We take every bit of household stuff we want to cart, from a tiny pin to a car. And if you own the house but have not given it out on rent, you just leave things behind.
I am not moving to any place within the country nor do I own a house here. So it has been tedious, and in some cases, a painful task of disposing of my not so meager belongings. I am one of those sentimental fools who attach memories, fond ones mostly, to a thing. And therein lies its value. A book, an old stuffed toy, a chair, a curio….actually I must rephrase that; it’s not about ‘a’ thing; it’s about ‘all’ that’s there. So when memories abound with all and sundry, kitchen knives and cutlery too, what can this ‘sentimental fool’ do without her photographs!
My entire life is wrapped up in these albums. As I leaf through each one it rolls out like a biopic. The yesteryears in black and white which move into a color frame. A picture speaks a thousand words they say, mine unfold like a movie, vivid memories flash in succession as a whole. But I cannot carry the albums and photographs with me. There are too many and they weigh too much. So they are placed in a carton carefully and left behind for safekeeping.
It gives me relief to put this down here. Why didn’t I do this on the blog I had started it on? I really don’t know. Perhaps, it’s like my life… a new place, a new perspective. A stronger mind and spirit. New lessons learned and applied.
Maybe, I haven’t let go completely, yet! But here, I will move on and leave behind the pain and retain the lesson; the wisdom… will I? I intend to.